invasive ductal carcinoma in left breast measures:

3.8 x 3.6 x 2.0 cm

My partner is with mewhen I find out.  We tell our daughter together.  There is a moment of collective shock.  I am supposed to be the healthy one - vegan/vegetarian, regular exerciser, good sleeper, no coffee or alcohol, etc.  

I know instinctively that this is not just about my physciality.  A while ago I prayed to become the most loving, love-filled, compassionate person possible in this incarnation.  I feel like this cancer is going to show me how to manifest that dream.  I am, and always have been, on a spiritual journey.  It is my life's purpose.  I am  ascending into the unified field of consciousness.  

There's no space/time to waste.

breast ultrasound, mammogram, breast ultrasound, peripheral draw, mammogram, breast biopsy, mammogram, bone scan, c.t. scan - abdomen, pelvis, thorax, MRI - breast, breast biopsy, mammogram, breast ultrasound, radiation teaching, MRI - abdomen, liver, breast ultrasound, peripheral blood draw, plastic surgery consult, breast ultrasound, breast ultrasound

westernmedical recommended treatment:

-double mastectomy with breast reconstruction

-radiation

-hormone therapy - tamoxifen

-chemotherapy

herbalist recommended treatment:

-immune system support

-lymph detoxification

-plant-based estrogen blocker

-coffee enema

-chaga mushroom drink

-greens powder

-ketogenic diet - no sugar, 12g. carb. / high fat

-supplements - liposomal vit. c, vit. b complex, vit. D - (large doses), curcumin, PQQ/co-enzyme Q10, indole-3-carbinol, melatonin with gaba, magnesium, krill oil

-wheatgrass


I stop my world.

7:15 - meditation - 45 min. (emotional body)

8:00 - writing - dreams, awareness upon waking

8:30 - tinctures, supplements, tea, oil, lemon water, sit outside

9:00 - coffee enema x 2, meditation - 60 min. (forgiveness and alternate versions of self)

10:15 - warm bath, tapping - 30 min.

11:00 - wayne cook posture, tracing meridians, cross over energy, shake body, push energy out of body,    rapid breath of fire / breathe work, chest opening exercises

11:30 - walk around the neighbourhood

12:30 - journal writing, read

1:30 - tinctures, supplements, oil, chaga mushroom drink

2:00 - rest, read, journal, work

4:00 - meditation - 90 min. (physcial body relaxation, mental attunement, mental body)

5:30 - tinctures, supplements, oil, chaga mushroom drink, lemon water

6:30 - dinner - 80% from fat sources

7:30 - hand-stitch, play, watch something, sit outside, read

10:00 - meditation - 20 min. (perfect health body, spiritual body, physical body relaxation)

10:20 - sleep and dream

I am very sensitive to technology and internet wifi/emf frequencies.  I can see them emit from my phone and computer.  I can see them enter my body and I can see how they jumble stuff up.  To be honest I am already very jumbled up inside.

I am scared, but in a way, this fear is what's keeping me alive.  I believe this fear will show me who I reallyam.

READ: Tripping Over The Truth: How the Metabolic Theory of Cancer is Overturning One of Medicine's Most Entrenched Paradigms by Travis Christofferson

This book was recommended to me by my herbalist.  It chronicles the history of cancer treatment and research.  It shows how the majority of cancer funding has gone into researching the theory that cancer is exclusively a genetic disease.  Christofferson presents the data of Drs. Warburg and Seyfried who found that cancer has little to do with gene mutations.  Their research focussed on cell metabolism, in particular epigenetic signalling that travels from damaged mitochodria to the nucleus of the cell.  To summarize the findings briefly, the origin of carcinogenesis resides with the mitochondria in the cytoplasm, not with the genome in the nucleus.  

Glucose is fuel for cancer.  No sugar or carbs and the cancer dies off.  A ketogenic diet starves cancer cells of their dependence on glucose.  The diet also appears to boost the efficacy of a variety of other therapies.  

"Cancer therapy could be a gentle rehabilitation.  You should come out on the other side healthier than when you came in." - Seyfried


Meditation - The changing morning light.

Intention - What do I need to see, learn, understand?

I need to acknowledge the power of my mind/ I acknowledge the power of my mind.

I did this.  I created this. 

I allowed this to happen for (what I thought) was a very good reason - as a catalyst to more self-love and compassion; as a catalyst to more love and compassion for all.  

I think I am getting ahead of myself. 

I must determine the truth of disease, disharmony, and illness. My truth is that I have been ill at ease with my thoughts. I’d like someone to listen to my story once and for all so I don’t have to keep telling it. I don't want to justify or defend myself anymore.  I’d like to be released from this pattern. 

I am the only one who can do that.

What am I looking for that I perceive to be outside of myself? 

Trust. Approval. Love.  Oh, so many things that I know, in truth, are already mine.

I have a sinking feeling there is an entity invading me.  At the most tender moments, I am so vulnerable. 

How do I shore myself up? How do I protect myself from myself?

I feel as though something has been taken from me that I am unable to recover.  There is a persistent feeling that something will always be wrong with me.  This feeling goes so far back in my thinking. 

I see universal source energy as a way out, but still, I fight against this force within me.

I know love, acceptance, and surrender but these concepts do not seem to be working right now.  They feel far away.  They feel as though they do not apply to me.

I sense an already healed space in my mind.  How can I have this space easily, and repeatedly?

I forgive my frequency.  I return to love.  I forgive my body.  I return to love.  I forgive my existence.  I return to love.  

There is a soft, subtle current of receiving. I forgive everything.  I release everything.  

I will allow everything.  

I am fighting what I am being called to do.  I am pretending that my life can carry on as usual. 

Why am I resisting this opportunity to go within?  Why am I resisting this chance to relax and re-set my system?  Why am I resisting this gift of physical and emotional healing?

I have to let go.  I have to let go.  I have to let go. I have to let go. I have to let go. I have to let go. 

I let go.

A strong awareness comes over me that this is the only thing, the most important thing, I am doing right now. 

The great body re-set.  The great preparation for what is real.  The great acknowledgement of myself.  

The end of distraction.  The end of putting my power into the hands of others.  The end of feeling like I am not on my true path.  

I am not sure where I am going.  I definitely do not know how this will unfold.  But, I am going, necessarily, to a better feeling place - a space of pure understanding that  is clear and clean, love-filled and compassionate. 

I am in a process of being completely forgiven.  This is who I want to be.

This is who I am. 

I can’t seem to squeeze enough tears out of myself to render a feeling pf proper sadness.  The relief that sadness brings is temporary, and now it feels false.  My human self feels inclined to define cancer simply as - crying.  This feels like a mask to hide behind.  It feels like giving up, not letting go.

At the deepest level, I am contemplating the kind of art I have always wanted to make that is a positive contribution to understanding human well-being and consciousness,

and

my internal prayer to be the most love-filled, loving and compassionate person I can be.

Seriously, before the end of this incarnation I want to feel as though I have milked my time in this earthly experience to the nth degree.  Why do I have this strong desire to experience ascension into the unified field?  I really can't explain it.  But, this feeling has has always been with me.  I have always been in a state of potential remembrance, dancing around my desire for it.  Now I dance with it.  

Fear. Sadness. Depression. Anger.  These are real temptations.  These are real choices and real inevitabilities. 

What is a compassionate response? 

I am shifting my focus away, and it feels natural for me to do so.  It is what I really want to, amidst confusion and ignorance, instability and uncertainty. I am shifting away from what seems to be my current reality.

What is compassion?

I have been focussed externally and I have clearly been missing the point.  Or, I focus more externally than I do internally and I am unable to sustain the purpose of my existence.  

Now.

Show me what I need to see?  Tell me what I need to learn?

Let this cancer harm me only as much as I fear it.

I am doing just fine.  I am fine as I am.

Right now, it feels as though cancer is protecting me from myself.  It has turned my attention away from the usual story I tell myself, one that I am actually terrified to hear.  

The reality is, it has created a boundary that defines a safe space for me to begin to contemplate whether or not I am worthy of feeling good.  

On a positive note, I am listening. 

I have a strong tendency to explosive anger.  It appears to come from nowhere.  I have no (perceived) control. 

I am becoming very good at expressing anger to others and inside my mind to myself.  This is tied to extreme anxiety at night that I wake up with every single morning.  Every single awakening is worse than the last.  Every single thought more twisted and obtuse than the last. 

I feel so tender and vulnerable that any amount of hurt or pain amplifies and reverberates throughout my system.  I stay with my suffering.  It hurts to breathe. 

My breath feels not good enough, lacking, and filled with trauma.  This trauma stuck in my body.

Last night, I eventually fall back asleep and I dream of my old writing partner.  He is light and happy and he says to me plain as day, “Why stay in the negative, even if you deserve it?”

Solipsism - a philosophical idea that only one’s own mind is sure to exist. 

Knowledge of anything outside one’s own mind is unsure; the external world and other minds cannot be known and might not exist outside the mind.

This unending sadness.  I fight the urge to cry all day.  Then I just cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.  I am seeking something to soothe me, but as I reach for it, I feel as though I am irreparably tainted.   

I am trying to rest more, but feel restless.  I want something to sink my teeth into that has nothing to do with this.  Everything is a reminder of where I am right now.  

Help.

Everyday in every way, I feel better, better, and better.

Why not?

In meditation, I see my body as indigo in colour. 

I have a clear feeling of being healed already.  I am purified.  I am an expression ofgratitude and appreciation. 

I focus my thoughts on my loving family.

 I can’t stop thinking about the original Wonder Woman - Diana Prince, played by Linda Carter. It causes me to lighten up a little (even though I know I need to lighten up alot). My impression of her character is of strength compassion, humour and unrelenting commitment.  She transformed dark to light, bad  to good, and effort to effortlessness.  She was quick to laugh and open to allowing because she trusted herself implicitly.

I set an intention to bring forth the light and strength of my inner being.

I see a vision of my heart growing wings that lift me and my lightness out of my dense body of stress and sadness and anger and victim hood.  As I ascend, the density left behind crumbles to nothing. 

My body is returned to love.

I have taken care of others (as best I could) at the expense of myself.  This was a distortion of my love.  It was a subconscious act of turning perceived negativity inward, while also feeding an illusion that loving others would somehow make me immune to having to love myself.  I have not released this stored negativity. Ever. It just kept growing.  Into cancer.   

I am grateful to start again.  I really do appreciate this chance to begin again.

If mine is the only mind, why would I create other minds in separation? 

Why not create all other minds in a spirit of co-operation and love?

I have a an awareness that my inability to properly manage my energy is directly related to my mitochondria’s current inability to manage cellular energy production.  Anger blocks healthy cellular function.  Acceptance and love support healthy cellular function.

I need to direct the energy of my body in a completely different way.

“Thermodymanics - the study of energy conversion from one form to another - a system will never get more ordered without outside intervention.”

I must have an influx of outside energy to grow spiritually the way that I want to.

This is God or Source energy - I thought I knew this, damm it! 

A voice from within says, “knowing from a mental understanding is not the same as feeling it in your heart.”

I ask.

“Source Energy, I wish you to make me as you see fit.  I yield my energy to your will.”


While waiting in the Doctor’s office, I read 'The Black Monk' by Anton Chekhov.


*link

In my mind’s eye, I am shown a peaceful ocean. Sunshine sparkles on the water. 

This feels like freedom. 

I focus on it as long as I can.

I dream of two men in speedos who stand before me.  One gets castrated and falls away.  The other is still standing.  

I wake wondering if those are my breasts.  One is lopped off.  The other is still there.  

I wonder if women would have devised a surgical procedure like mastectomy.  

All day, I feel strangely detached from my body.  I contemplate the surgery once again.  Might it be better to just cut it off and be done with it?

At the end of the day, I come back to the benefits of learning how to heal myself.  I want to allow more love, compassion, and well-being.  I don’t think I can rush this process.  I don’t think it should be fuelled by fear or lack.  I don't think I can think about it.  I have to feel my way there.

In truth, I guess I don’t want it to be over too soon.  I want to milk it (excuse the pun).  I want to be in a state of appreciation in every moment.  I want to know I am worthy enough.

I have an awareness to stop worrying about what I can see and go right to the heart of the matter which I can't see and do not completely understand.  Even though I don't know what that is, it feels like something better to believe in.

In mediation, I ask for a story to write about. 

They tell me this is it.

My liver is clear.

I have an awareness that thoughts of anger become those cells of the physical body that go out of control to be come cancer.

This is a magnificent gift of information.  It makes me smile all day long.  The body is able to heal itself once the negative influences (thoughts, feelings etc.) are identified.

I make a list of recurring negative thoughts, feelings, etc.

I have a strong, overwhelming sense I can turn this around.

My parameters for change:

- forgiveness of self and others - ALL SELVES, ALL OTHERS

- learn self-respect - I don’t really know what this means (scary)

In meditation, I am shown patterns of generational anger on both sides of my family history. 

My ancestors come to me for healing.  Me.

I look for anything to cheer me up. Right now - petting my cats, cute stickers, dressing barbies, Zizek, 30 sec. hugs with my family, the smell of roasted chicken, and watching premier league football (and Champion's Leaque) (and Juventus - Serie A).

I am creating and participating in patterns upon patterns upon patterns of anger.  I can create anger where there isn't any.  The strange thing is that I’ve always thought of my self as a happy person.  

Happy?  

Everything about me is in question. 

However, I bless my self and all my angry tendencies.  This is feels like pure folly but it changes the quality of the energy. 

I follow the positive feelings wherever they take me.  

But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works: otherwise grace would no longer be grace.

- Romans 11:6

Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

My perspective looked up today. I am so grateful.  One thought at a time. One feeling sense at a time.  I am so, so grateful.

I am aware of my space of healing.  It’s presence solidifies and strengthens in my mind.  Negative thoughts, feelings can not enter it.

I sense a gathering of spirits.  They surround me.  There is a strong desire to express our togetherness, even if it triggers a sad or scary reaction.  There is a stronger desire for love and joy.  It is magnetic.  I can’t help but be pulled towards a better feeling.

A better feeling manifests almost immediately:

right breast biopsy is clear.

I have this feeling that the best aspects of myself are outside of me and somehow out of reach.  Maybe they are within, just waiting for me to see them as such.

I set an intention to align with the goodness of who I am.

I can trace negative thought patterns back to childhood and teenage years.  These are repeated experiences and sensations of consistently feeling bad about myself.  It is an exhaustive state of being where nothing really matters, especially that which I desire.  Violence, anger, sadness, and mistrust comprised my natural state of being.

However, these memories, and patterns of being, which I perceive to define me subconsciously, do not measure up to the determination to feel lighter.  No matter what.  I break my habits of focussing on thinking about the past or any negativity of this kind.

I concentrate my will on positivity and use this energy to shatter a closed system of negative identity formation.  

I lighten up.  I give myself a break.

It’s not so much about releasing negativity, as it is about perceiving every experience as love.

I turn my attention to who I love and what I love to do. 

Right now, this is sitting in a comfy chair beside two beloved plants.  I stare out the window and observe the busy street below.  There are many people standing at the the bus stop.  Going here or there.  Looking at phones.  Looking up the street for the bus, crossing the street, going into the convenience store, pushing strollers, holding hands, huddling into scarves, hats, gloves, warm winter jackets.  Sometimes my cat, Boo, sits on my lap.  Sometimes, I read or write.  

I am always bringing my attention back to a consciously and deeply relaxed mind and body.  

Everything else can wait, or disappear completely.

I focus on on feeing how I am really feeling.  I practice. Feeling, as opposed to ignoring or suppressing. 

 I haven’t been able to face or respect the power of what feelings I have been creating.  

(I am re-training all thought and feeling.)

Awareness:  projections as illusions of protection. 

Where do I defend myself?  Need to prove myself? 

In meditation, my mind shows me scene after scene of how I ask for external approval and acceptance.

I create a ring of protection around my healing space.  I further define the boundaries in order to allow the truth of who I really am to build up and sustain itself.

I focus my attention there.  Even the perception I am being selfish can not exist there.  

I am in a constant state of asking. 

What do I need to know?  What can I learn that I haven’t already learned?  What is happiness, love, and compassion?

I am open, willing, present (and looking up these words in the dictionary).

I want very badly for this experience to crystallize my creative process.  I know what I want.  It becomes more clearly defined with every passing moment.

At this core of this ask, is a knowing that I have to allow more into my life and my experience:

Worthiness.  Fearlessness.  Safety.  Limitlessness.  Good feelings.  Pleasant thoughts.  Satisfaction. Etc.

I feel eternally blessed right now.  This experience.  This moment.  Anything is possible.

I dream of being angry.  I am yelling at my daughter for buying a cheap pair of shoes that don’t fit.  Why did she waste the money on such a ridiculous purchase?  I berate her in front of our whole extended family, who I take to be different versions of myself as a child.

I dream of placing a baby in the top drawer of a dresser.  We are too poor to afford a proper crib.  It is beautiful and simple, but steeped in lack mentality.  I am too scared to ask for more.

I wake feeling as though I have nothing, and no one way to achieve more.  I wonder how I can still be loved because of this?  I have no value and no good use.

I spend the day with my little selves.  We talk about the truth of abundance and worthiness and anger.  I hear them out.

 I am determined that all of us find our way back to love.

I ask for more love.

In my mind’s eye, I see the field of love.  It is a universal space.  It is for anyone.  I don’t have to do anything to be granted access to it.  All I have to do is ask.  Then, all I have to do is turn my attention to it.  

Everything that I can’t figure out, rationalize, prove, defend, make sense of, change, or control - it all goes into the field.  Today, we are playing soccer in the field of love.  It's fun.  

We - all of these concepts and notions, together with my essence - my inner being - are like the feeling of children - innocent, pure, and pre-trauma. 

We free each other’s perspective with child-like wonder.  We choose fun.

Just to be clear.  There is choice here.  Now.  Always.

I can be stressed out, scared, angry, worried, sad, frustrated, and more.  All of these expressions are completely understandable.  In fact, they are accepted as a normal response to what I am going through.  

Except for, I am hearing differently.  I am seeing other things.  

What voices do I listen to?  What do I choose to see?

What story am I going to believe?

It's shrinking.  Dissolving to nothing. 

The more I release into the field of love, the smaller it gets.

Until it is gone.

Thank you for everything today.

Every thought, every person, every feeling.  

Thank you for fresh flowers, fatty foods, positive test results, crisp  blue sky.  Thank you for my loving partner and daughter - they still see me as who I was before this experience happened.  They have never stopped seeing the truth of who I am. 

I feel comforted and satisfied. 

There exist these persistent difficulties of doing anything creatively when I judge myself so intensely. 

I make a very long list of all the things that I perceive have caused me to judge myself.  

I begin a process of forgiving each and every aspect. 

This could go on for a very long time.

I can see how this release is necessary to make room for new thoughts and beliefs.  

I suspect this need to purge or confess is a result of my religious upbringing.  I even suspect that it is not necessary, but something inside of me wants to do it anyway.  

I decide to do what I want to do.

This urgent desire for deep relaxation of body and mind.  It allows me to re-focus on joy, and the things I love.  My imagination carries me where I need to go.  

I reprogram every single cell in my body to carry a frequency of deep relaxation.  It is soothing and serene. 

A profound sense of relief sweeps over my body.  I might be sleeping or meditating.  It doesn’t matter. 

Nothing much matters right now.

There is the work of release and the play of finding joyful feelings.

Which one sounds like more fun?

I enter into a current of fast moving light.  It courses throughout my body and brings with it an awareness that I am already healed. 

The light is a supercharged amalgam of infinitesimally small orbs.  For the first time, I can see my body for what it really is.  Outside of my body, everything sparkles too.

I ask for assistance to please learn the lessons of love and compassion to the fullest sense. 

They say that I've asked for this already and my request is already answered.  They say that I know my body is and will be fine.  

It is my soul, my inner most being, that is calling for total freedom.

They ask me to follow.

I remember an experience from childhood.  My family was vacationing in Jasper.  I was out exploring with my sister and went back alone to our cabin to get a drink of water. 

When I went inside, I saw four elderly people sitting in the living room. They immediately started to laugh at me while asking what did I think I was doing?  I left in a panicked hurry and ran to the central courtyard where I spun around in confusion, unable to find my family.  It wasn’t until I was able to recognize the red lawn chairs out front that I knew my parents would be inside.  

I want to feel as though I can belong everywhere.

to feel completely aligned with my purpose / to be excited / to have a sense of knowing / to feel love / to love  / to be fearlessly trusting in the power of love / to live in the now / to know that my life is happening right now / to be present always / to be eternal

I go to the hospital for more tests.  I am in a state of resistance.  I don’t like going to this place.  It reminds me of what is not true about me.

The elevator doors open and a stranger smiles at me.  She is so completely open and warm and generous with her smile that it takes me off-guard.  Her smile dissolves my resistance instantaneously.  She is a gentle, steady, angelic reminder of the light within each one of us.  

I smile back.  I smile with the light within me.

I will never forget this woman.  I will never forget how she touched my heart so deeplyin that moment.

My partner is a bear, a guard dog, a protector. 

He won’t let the doctors get away with one single negative assertion. 

His belief in my wellness is quite humbling and beautiful to witness.

It doesn’t really look like it because I’m really not doing much of anything, but I know I am gathering power. 

Better said, nothing is as it seems to be.  Even when I am crying or scared or  angry, there is a deeper truth, a more powerful reality that is coming into being.  

I am summoning power in the form of intuition, higher knowledge, inner vision, and dreaming.  It's so invisible, so much of nothing to hold on to.  

But, there is so much more beyond the predictable mundanity and materiality of daily life. 

At first I feel as though I have missed too much of this rich inner life. Then I realize that my inner life is now, now, now.  There is no missing.  There is no lack.  There is no loss. 

There is only now.

I realize I have been been craving time and space to come to terms with my life for my whole life.  What have I been waiting for?  Why have I been living as if I am waiting for another version of my life to happen?

What do I want to create?  

I’m really not sure.

What do I love?

Again, I am not really sure.

I have been holding onto perceptions and structures of old - work, motherhood, relationships, etc.  But there is something new unfolding. I can’t hold on to anything anymore.  As my identity dissolves, my life as I know it dissolves with it.  

I surrender completely.

Again.

How do I know my treatment is working?

How do the cells die? 

How are new cells created?

How can I know what is really going on?

How can I learn to trust my body?

My attention is turned to love.  I can’t help it at this pojnt.  Everything is and becomes love to me.  There are no objects or people or places or feelings or experiences that are not love.  

And still, I wonder, what is love?

Winter is perfect for isolation and hibernation.  I am so grateful for this time of year. My dwelling is cosy and warm.  These walls comfort and protect me.

In meditation I am shown the overarching, benevolent energy of cancer is a catalyst for unconditional love. 

This includes self-love and self acceptance, as well as the love and acceptance of all others.  My cells have a program of love and acceptance that they adhere to without question.  I can trust this force of love at the core of my physicality.  It doesn’t know anything else.  

The message for my human mind is to not be afraid to love.  Even if I am not exactly sure what love is, my mission is to commit to finding a loving feeling within everything, even that which I fear, even that which I don’t understand.

I dream my mother, sister, and cousin are travelling together.  My mother is driving us way out into the suburbs to look at a house she wants to buy.  The house is nice but so far away.    The consensus is that if it’s the house she wants she should make an offer. 

On the way back, my mother is drunk and she keeps hitting things with the car.  I get out and say I am going to find another way home.  My sister and cousin come with me.  We leave my mother in the car all by herself.  In the dream, I feel no emotion.  No guilt.

But when I wake, I am terrified that I could abandon her as easily as I did.

I forgive the anxiety in my body. 

I forgive the anxiety in my mind.

I see that anxiety like another person within me.  It is not the core of me, but is a mask or a reflection of the confrontation of my two selves. 

Some of my anxiety likes to live in my stomach.  It looks like a black box of jumbled energy.  It sustains itself by gorging on my body. 

The anxiety in my mind manifests as a dark, swirling cloud.  It is a completely contained and self-sufficient system as well.  There is no where for the energy to go. It just gets worse, more intense and highly concentrated.  Shit. I begin to cry.

I don’t want to live like this any more.  I am so very open to choosing another way.

In my asking, in my surrender, I become aware that most of these programs are pre-womb and that they were strengthened in the womb.  They became mine because I agreed to them pre-incarnation.  The choice to release them is also mine. 

With everything I know now, with all that I am, by fully facing my current selves in this moment, freedom happens now.

I awake with a dream still vibrating in my awareness.  It’s too blurry to recollect but I have a keen sense that I am an available packet of energy for self/other-healing.  Everything needed is right there. 

We all have transferable, transmutable self-healing energy that others can tap into.  

In my morning meditation, I see and feel light flowing throughout my system.  It is a great upheaval of delicate dancing feathers or lacy filigree.  A tracery of light that is cleansing, purifying and changing the nature of my internal beingness.  The lights raises the vibratory rate of my system.

I surrender.  What else can I do?  I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.  

My goal each day is to direct effort that comes only from inspiration. 

I find the part of me that wants to do something and believes that I can.  

I am patient with myself because sometimes it takes me a while to get to this point.

In the meantime, I sit and observe my surroundings.  I am re-creating myself from within one step at a time, one thought at a time, one dream at a time, one wish at a time one feeling at a time, one emotion at a time, one act of being at a time.  

I am changing my alchemical composition from negative to positive, from dark to light. 

Fuck everything else.  

I am worthy of joy.

A book about myself

(the heading of a blank page in my journal)

I dream I am living with an old woman in a cave dug out of the forrest.  There are enchanting trees and foliage all around us.  She is a witch of some kind and maybe I am her apprentice.  People come to the opening of the cave to get permission to enter the forrest. 

The woman is busy with herbs  - hanging, drying, mixing, and cooking plants in the kitchen area.  She always has one eye to the opening of the cave because she is in charge of protecting the forrest. 

I sense that she is teaching me but I am not sure.  Maybe I am learning just by being in her presence.  There is a screen in the cave where we watch funny movies.  We laugh together while I count cigarette butts.  She does not seem to care what I am doing, only that I am there and that we are together.  She might be protecting me as well. 

There is definitely a felt transfer of knowledge and energy underway.  I am not that interested in the people that pass by. I don’t want anyone to come into the cave with us.  It is doubtful that the woman would have allowed it anyway. She epitomizes a feeling of sanctuary and I realize that in sleep and dreamtime I am surrounded by healers and spirit guides. 

I wake feeling soothed and comforted. 

(First morning - no anxiety)

I dream I am babysitting.  The kids are unruly, but they respond well to me.  I calm them by feeding them a ketogenic diet.  The parents are impressed by the change in behaviour. 

They ask me about myself and my education background.  I tell them about my dancing, doctoral work and how I homeschool my daughter.  They are shocked that I would be babysitting as my profession and not doing something else more “important”. 

My heart wrenches and twists in my dream.  I feel a sickness in me. Their children are the most important thing.  

It is on the tip of my tongue to tell them that I have cancer, but I don’t.  I don’t want them to know this about me because it might change their perception of me or taint me somehow.  It feels like I am harbouring a shameful secret. 

When I wake I sense this is also tied to the feeling of exhaustion I am experiencing.  Obviously, I am caring too deeply about what how others see me. Perhaps I am also caring too deeply for others.  

I want so badly to control every perception and feeling.  

This feels like the opposite of letting go.  

Ellen’s Sandwich Bread

(recipe from: Fight Cancer with a Ketogenic Diet - A New Method for Treating Cancer by Ellen Davis)

www.ketogenic-diet-resource.com

1 1⁄4 cup blanched almond flour
5 tablespoons psyllium husk powder
(no substitutes)

2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon Celtic sea salt
4 ounces cream cheese
3 tablespoons butter
1 large egg
1 cup BOILING water 

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. In a medium sized bowl, combine the flour, psyllium powder, baking powder and salt. Whisk until dry ingredients are well combined. 

In a separate glass bowl, soften the cream cheese and butter in a microwave or in a saucepan on the stove. Remove from heat and whisk until glossy. Allow to cool for a few minutes. Add in the eggs and whisk until smooth. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredient and mix until a firm dough is created. Now use a fork to break up the dough into small chunks, so that it is easier to mix with the boiling water. 

Add boiling water all at once into the bowl. Stir until well combined and dough starts to firm up. After a moment or so, the dough will become very stretchy and sticky. 

Form into 6 sandwich buns and place onto a parchment paper lined baking sheet. The dough will rise about two to three times. Start each as a ball of dough about the size of a tennis ball, and then flatten into a disk about 3 inches across. Bake for 40 to 45 minutes. Remove from the oven and allow the bread to cool completely. Cut open with a serrated knife. The insides may be a little gummy, but toasting later will fix this. Toast or eat as is, or use as bread for small sandwiches. (This recipe can be doubled.) 

Entire recipe (divide by number of rolls made): 1401 calories, 129 grams fat, 52 carbs, 36 grams fiber, 15 net carbs, 37 grams protein. 

Assuming 6 rolls, each roll: 234 calories, 21 grams fat, 9 grams carbs, 6 grams fiber, 3 net carbs, 6 grams of protein. 

Aspects of abandonment, anxiety, exhaustion, and ambition. 

I give them form and then take the outside of my system where I can have a conversation with each of them.  

How do I love you?  How can I forgive you?  How can release you?  

I receive the impulses (answers).

All of a sudden I feel a profound truth is revealed.  It has always been there, but hidden.  I have had a strong desire to document this process - every feeling, every awakening, every surrender, every declaration.  It occurs to me to write so many times a day but it seems to be the one thing I am always trying to squeeze in. 

It’s that part of me that’s almost given up; to forsake that which I want most. I truly was ready to do that?  

Another desire: I am asking for guidance to prioritize the process of writing - not for anything other than the calm feeling of being able to share something that might be of value.  

I have this aspect of myself that has been so critical and unforgiving.  I have been relentlessly hard on myself since my experience last year with my novel.  This part of me - the dream of me - was literally was dying inside, wanted to die. was waiting to die. 

This part of me that wasn’t good enough.  And, the way I went about trying to tell  the with so many completely viewpoints, not wanting to hurt anyone, not wanting to admit how much I had been hurt.  I so desperately wanted something that would prove it had all be worthwhile. 

This sadness can’t live within me anymore.  It can’t live anywhere .  None of it can be real for me at this time.  It is the opposite of what I want right now.  There are so many strong programs attached to my writing - sadness, fear, perceived failure, rejection, victimization.  Yet, I keep at it - hoping for a feeling of joy, love, creation, imagination, mystery, magic. 

The desire to share love and good feelings in this way is stronger.  I think. I am determined to rewrite these stories of shame and embarrassment.  To tell a new story - one that can serve others, one that can show the world that love is the only thing that matters.  That we all all worthy of overwhelming and unconditional love and appreciation. 

Also, I don’t want to be afraid of myselfanymore. 

I am flying high. 

I feel as though I step between worlds.

I am detached from this one (let's call it real, but it's really not) - everything looks sweet and beautiful and divine.  I walk around my house and walk through the walls and into the cosmos.  Nothing around me is solid anymore.  It is all light, projections of light, and colours of lightforms. 

This is what the energy of alignment feels like.  This is what being aligned looks like. 

I will never forget the experience of it. 

(I think I will write about it.)

Forgiveness sessions: (there are so many of these, too many to document them all)

I close my eyes and aspects of myself appear on my mind screen.  These aspects are calling for complete unification. I yell, scream, express my anger and sadness in anyway I can think of, I cry, shudder, shake, sob - this meeting with my negative perceptions of self is full-on; this face-to-face with my fears, blocks, anger, sadness, doubt, shame, remorse, resentment, jealousy is felt in every cell of my body. 

We do not leave each other until we have all committed to love and compassion.  We do not leave until we have intended to surrender to the fullness and the truth of our well-bing.  We do not leave each other until we have resolved to move forward together in peace, acceptance and understanding.  

We evolve into the unconditionallove that is already there.  

After, my solar plexus feels more spacious.  There is more than enough room for all aspects to be reconciled.

(This feels as though it will be a long process of incremental change.)

I am utterly convicted to root out every last low vibration.  

I am fiercely determined to find every new high vibration.

My partner (sculptor) measures the mass once a week using his hands as a guide. 

Then, he makes a drawing of what he feels.  

I want to remove this mysterious, nefarious block that is preventing me from taking a chance on my life.  It might be too late (?)  But, I want to do it anyway. 

I want to remove this block that tells me I don’t have anything important or worthwhile to say - that I can’t put a beautiful, imaginative, inventive story out into the world.  

I am waiting to create.  Why? 

I want to remove the block that tells me that I can't.  I want to remove the block that tells me that other things are more important - like releasing cancer. 

When did I start to believe that I couldn’t write?  Or put thoughts together?  How come I don’t know what I want to write about? 

That experience in my dreams of a questioning, demanding force to be harmonized.  I’d like to take that feeling and love it, and then dissolve it.  I’d like to start my story from the beginning. 

How can I be at this stage in my life and not feel connected to my purpose? Not be contributing in a meaningful way?  Not be joyful? Not be having any fun? 

Really!  I want to remove the block that tells me I should be more than who I am.  Surely I can think of something that makes me feel good about myself? 

I know I am more than I think I am.  I know I am joy, love, compassion, abundance and love.  I know that I am unique. 

When did I stop believing in myself?  When did I decide I didn’t have anything valuable to offer to this world?  When did I start blanking on what to write about? 

This is so fucking weird.  

I need to change.  I need to focus.  I need to give myself a break.  I need so much.

A process of releasing everyone to their own lives. 

If it's not my life, it has nothing to do with me.

It’s official, I am minding my own business. 

I am reaching for the feeling or sensation of doing what I really want to be doing. 

I am holding out this insane hope.

The reality is I need to be taken care of right now.  I need help because I can’t do it all for myself.  It feels like I am failing, flailing.

The feeling that my own life is threatened.  I am threatening myself.  I am the greatest threat to my own happiness and joy; success and sense of safety.

My partner and I resolve to turn the creation energy on.  We talk about the pattern of limitation we both feel.  We have been sabotaging our own success.  Did it come to us too easily?  It doesn’t matter.  The past is past. 

We vow to make this year about clearing any and all blocks.  His pure primal energy of being able to do anything.  My good luck. 

It's a start.

My first identifiable and reasonably achievable goal is to release the anxiety in my body. 

Every last little bit of it has to go.  This means slowing down, simplifying my life, and relaxing. 

My heart is pounding. 

I know it’s what I want and need but why am I so scared? 

What if I try, put all this effort in, and accomplish nothing?

(Except for, I said I was going to do it anyway.)

My need to make others happy.  When did that begin? 

Going back in time, the past pulls me into my parent’s experience. 

I see myself trying to show happiness, trying to show that love is real, that they can feel love, that they can feel anything at all; I try to show them that love and happiness are available to them.  I try to shift their focus from their distorted understanding. 

They refuse. 

It’s no use.  It's not what they want.  It’s not my job.  It’s not what they are here to accomplish.  They are not worthy.  They are programmed for impossibility. 

It must be the same for me too.

I refuse.

A recurring dream that I have an upcoming final in Biology and I am not prepared.  I have not even opened the book.  I have not attended a single class.  I wonder how I am going to learn all the material before the exam.  I try really hard to pull it together, but I don’t even know where the exam is being held and I can’t even find the text book. 

There are distractions all around me.  There are so many people all around me.  There is no privacy or quiet. 

I try to focus and figure out the best course of action, but any action I take is thwarted. 

There is nothing to be done.  How could I let this happen?  How could I mess up my perfect record?  How could I be so irresponsible?  What was I thinking?  What if I can’t get out of it?  What if I fail? 

It's too late.  This is the end of who I think I am.  

Oh well. I accept myself anyway.  I forgive myself for all errors and mistakes.  

I choose to love this fear of forgetting or missing or failing.  

I choose love. 

We stay up so late - eating, playing cards, doing a puzzle, watching a movie.  The three of us  - just enjoying each other’s company, laughing and loving each other.  We have everything we need.  We are surrounded by beauty and light.  It's like we know this night could last forever.

I feel high.  This is my new life.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn - Cancer Ward

(exerpt from Chapter One entitled 'No Cancer Whatsoever')

… “It isn’t, it isn’t cancer, is it, Doctor? I haven’t got cancer?” Pavel Nikolayevich asked hopefully, lightly touching the malevolent tumor on the right side of his neck.  It seemed to grow almost daily, yet the tight skin on the outside was as white and inoffensive as ever.

“Good heavens, no. Of course not.” Dr. Dontsova soothed him, for the tenth time, as she filled in the pages of his case history in her bold handwriting.  Wherever she wrote, she put on her glasses with rectangular frames rounded at the edges, and she would whisk them off as soon as she had finished.  She was no longer a young woman; her face looked pale and utterly tired.

It had happened at the outpatients’ reception a few days ago.  Patients assigned to a cancer department, even as outpatients, found they could not sleep the next night.  And Dontsova had ordered Pavel Nikolayevich to bed immediately. 

Unforeseen and unprepared for, the disease had come upon him, a happy man with few cares, like a gale in the space of two weeks.  But Pavel Nikolayevich was tormented, no less than by the disease itself, by having to enter the clinic as an ordinary patient, just like anyone else. 

(link)

 

Breakthrough upon waking:  A distinct feeling of being worthy in the eyes of God.  I can’t explain this feeling in any other words.  I have to say it like that.  I am worthy.  I know it. 

Now. 

I have to believe it. 

The guidance is to let everything else fall away.  I will stay rested, and joyous in this relaxed state.  I will talk about my feelings honestly, fearlessly.  I need to it all out.

Later, my partner and I talk like we haven’t for a long time.  We have been holding it all in, afraid to let it our feelings out.  We talk about the fears we have.  I tell him that extent of my subconscious limitations. 

It seems so heavy but the morning is bright with silver clouds; the sun shines through falling sparkles of snow. 

I realize he could be released from my perceptions of him.  He could be free if only I would let him go.  He could exist without my limited perspective.  That would be so nice for him.  He deserves that and more.

I imagine he is floating free - a snowflake falling from a silver sky.  It happens naturally.  Now he has room to breathe and grow. 

I am happy.  I feel so good about this.  I feel so happy to love him.

I am a force of unlimited power.

Everyday I get more and more confident in my own abilities.

Every morning I feel better than I did the day before.

I dream about a family vacation in Mexico.  I am with my sister and mother. 

The scene is chaotic and jumbled.  No one is happy.  No one knows what they want to do to be happy.  No one wants to be happy. 

I can’t find my partner or my daughter.  I have the wrong room key.  I fear they might have forgotten about me and just gone back home. 

I wake with dread about an upcoming holiday with my extended family.  I just know I can’t go.  I didn’t even realize I had this fear or dread about it.  

I phone my mother and tell her we won’t be going.

I am so relieved.  The thought of it still soothes me to no end.

My partner and daughter care for me with such sweet devotion.  They won’t go about their regular lives without me at my best.   

I speak to them separately.  They are both sad and scared, and sorry at the same time, but I feel elated to relieve them of this constant vigil.  

 I feel so much love, and for the first time, I understand that this is the love that will heal me.  I spend the rest of the afternoon basking in the love and appreciation I feel for them. 

The sensation is that I am meeting myself within - I am a white light meeting another white light and we become one bigger, brighter light. 

I speak of their love for me and mine for them but really what I am feeling is just love.  All on my own.  This bigger more expansive and powerful version of myself is what I have been asking for. 

Nothing I was doing before this moment comes close to the clarity I now feel.  A simple acceptance of all the love that is in my life, surrounding me, in me, of me, throughout me is all I need to get through this. 

There is nothing to worry about.  Nothing elsestands a chance.

My muscles feel like they are yawning all the time.

“Only a patient can judge whether the Doctor understands a tumour correctly with her/his hands.” 

-Solzhenitsyn

My partner lays on the bed and sobs.  His mouth is opened softly as if to say something - to defend, justify, explain, and then, it closes again. 

The words are too much effort.  But there is something he can’t hold in anymore. 

This feeling for me, for himself. 

My head on his chest rises and falls with his sadness.  It is (another) most intensely loved, loving feeling I have ever experienced.  For me.  For him. 

To know that his pain is so great, even greater than my own.

It will all be over soon.  It will all expand into more love. 

We are more love for each other than we were moments ago.

The strangeness of uncertainty. 

The extreme exhaustion of worrying I won’t get all that I need.  

Take everything away from me.  Just to get it over with. 

I will rise up again.  

What is my dominant feeling? / Where is my focus?

Now.  Now.  Now. Now.

NOW

Again.

How could I let this happen to myself?  How could I go so low and not realize it?  I am the only one to blame and I am ashamed.  I realize I have made myself so small, almost to disappear, but that didn’t happen.  All the happened was the part I was trying to hide got bigger.  

I have always known what I want.  I never allowed myself to have it.  Why?  

My whole body is grieving for something.  I don’t know what.  It doesn’t matter.  It can only get better from here.

Again.

I have no more resistance.  Whatever is going to happen is already underway.  

I am surrounded in white light which engulfs and erases my body momentarily, then I feel my nothingness suspended in darkness.

I hear a voice that says, “Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?”

Without answering, I find myself on a boat as it moves quickly through the open water.  I feel joy, confidence, success - everything. 

The voice says, “No one else matters.  Nothing can hurt you.  No one can take anything away.”

I am safe.

The doctor says no chemotherapy and perhaps even no surgery, if I take the hormone replacement Tamoxofin (which I have pretty much decided I won’t). 

I feel this aberration is already undoing itself. 

He feels the mass but he can’t tell if it has gotten smaller.  (This is the first physical exam I have had from him even though I have seen him four times already).  He is extremely skeptical that it would be decreasing in size.   (I feel sad that he has never seen a mass shrink before all on its own).  

There is so much sickness in this hospital and I want to heal everyone there.

How can I make this my reality as if by magic?  How can I make this magic real?

To go from double mastectomy, to single mastectomy, to none at all.

To go from chemo to no chemo (the cancer will not react positively to it - it might do more harm than good).

To go from prescription hormonal treatment with umpteen side effects to plant based hormonal treatment with no negative (postitive) side effects.

To go from today to the day when it disappears completely.

To go from my current vibration to a vibration where sickness and disease can not exist.

Magic.  Miracles.  Me.

A process of forgiving all authority figures in my life. 

This somehow relates to the thing I have where I can trust blindly, even when it doesn’t feel good. 

I have listened to others before I have listened to myself. 

I don’t really trust myself.

I am determined to trust myself and all others.

The gratitude lists go on and on - family, mornings, hot tea, hot mushrooms - sometimes I write the same things over and over again - snow falls, cozy blankets, good books, my pillow, my sheets, my bed, my window. 

I just like the feeling of writing about things that make me feel good - hugs from my daughter, sunshine, the day care across the street, my cats, my house plants, my pencil, my paper. 

It helps me to believe - I feel good, I feel happy, I feel satisfied, I feel content, I feel abundant, I feel loved, I feel joy, I feel relieved. 

These feelings have worth / I have worth  

These feelings have meaning / I have meaning

What I am learning about abundance through my meditations:

(for health, and money as I am not currently working)

  1. I know I am worth.
  2. I can allow it to come to me if I get out of the way.
  3. There is nothing to worry about.  Everything will work out.  It always works out.  It’s not my job to control.
  4. I can release any guilt I may have over having abundance.  I can focus instead on gratitude and appreciation for what I already have, which is already abundant.
  5. I can feel joyful about what I have and about what is coming.  There is more than enough for everyone.
  6. I can be powerful while also being abundant.  (I imagine myself sitting on throne.  I know just what to do with my abundance.)
  7. I like imagining freedom.  (I can do whatever I want to do.)
  8. I am completely safe to have abundance - no one can hurt me because of it or take anything away.
  9. Lack is an illusion.
  10. I am confident I will make all the right decisions with the abundance in my life.

I am breaking through to the next level of worthiness. 

I am chipping away at the shell of limitation that has been built up around my light being-ness.  

(I have a rock-like shell that is surrounding my sphere of light.  It looks like an egg of light, which is dissolving the shell.)

Nothing can exist in this current egg-light of healing.  All and everything is released and resolved.  

I allow the highest vibrations of healing to simply to move through my egg of light.  I surrender in each moment to the feeling of these soothing vibrations.  I am suspended in bliss.  

Winter Full moon.

My partner dreams there is someone in our room who is trying to pull me out of bed.  I wake up screaming because he is pressing down on me at the site of the mass.  He jumps over the bed and grabs my legs and holds me down.  I yell at him to stop and wake up!  

I reach to turn the light on but I grab the chain with my grandfather’s ring on it instead. I sit there in the dark breathing heavily while holding the tender area of my chest.  My legs are throbbing with fear and exhaustion. 

My partner gets up, wordlessly, and hurries downstairs.  He is convinced there is someone in the house but there are no new tracks in the snow outside the door.  

Our daughter rushes wildly into our room. My partner and I hold her until everyone is calm.  There is an acrid smell of fear in the air.  My partner smudges with sweetgrass and lays down in the bed fully clothed.  He is still scared in the morning.  He is so sure that is was real. 

My grandfather’s ring is on the ground when I wake up in the morning.  I broke the chain.  An image comes to mind that my partner was trying to pull the cancer from my body. 

He just won’t give up.  

We won't give up.

I realize that everything that I’ve been through in my life has brought me here - on a quest to know more love. 

Right now, is the truest feeling of love I have ever known.  I realize I created all my resistance to love.  It is not because of anything else.  It is a projection of my own worthiness.  Unworthinesss felt comfortable and familiar and I ensured it proliferated.  I think I might have even liked it. 

It’s OK.  That’s over now.  No one has ever been against me.  I created that too.

This feeling, right now, is true love.  I am seeing myself for who I truly am.  I am accepting the parts of me that I always knew to hate. 

I scream and cry, but I am not scared anymore.  These are my emotions.  It is safe for ne to feel.  

It is right for me to have this experience.

I release anything in my past, present or future that stands between me and inner peace.

SOUND:

Alpha State - relaxation

Frequency 528 Hz - love, sunshine, expansion

Delta State - celuular regeneration

Theta State  - cellular production

I yell into a pillow everyday.  

I yell into the void which is me. 

I don’t know who I am!  

I don’t know what I want!

I don’t know. This empty space that around me.

I decide to make peace with my subconscious.    

We meet in the field of love.

Let’s be friends.

Now.  Now.  Now. Now.  Now.  Now. Now.  Now.  Now. Now.  Now.  Now. Now.  Now.  Now. Now.  Now.  Now. 

Sculptor’s hands feel my lump. 

/ 30% smaller

/ a pancake to an ellipse

/ curious shape of squishiness  

/ deeply relaxed tissue 

/ changes of loosened form

Read Paris 1919 by Margaret McMillan 

The Paris Peace conference after WWI couldn’t fully face that the ultimate dream had already come true - the end of war, death, and suffering - yet everyone always seems to want more.  (revenge, justification, explanation, greed, compensation, land, resources, labour, etc.) 

The interest is centred on the self not the whole. 

After all the negotitations and treaties, there is nothing real put in place to foster trust, forgiveness, equality, and truecommunity. 

No wonder.

Reduced to rubble - a small pebble on the lakeshore or a cats-eye glass marble. 

Then, eliminated completely and returned to love. 

Every single last cell is allowed to think well of itself. 

Except I have a perception of arrogance when I feel well.  Oh, how that feeling stops me in my tracks.

I spray sparkly, pink stem cells all over my body. 

My cells dance for joy.

I am billions of joyous cells dancing for joy.

As my body quiets and de-stresses, I notice that floods of cortisol shoot through my arms and into my hands whenever I get even slightly scared or have a disturbing thought. 

This is the fight or flight response, and it occurs in my body many times a day for no apparent reason.  (This same energy is also located in my lower abdomen. I am sure the relationship will be revealed in time.) 

I can’t put a finger on where this fear response comes from or what triggers it, but it takes my breath away each time; it turns me upside-down, while my hands tingle. 

I calculate how few stops I can take before I can lie down again to breathe.

I calculate how few steps I can take before I can lie down again to focus on my breath.

I am unnervingly itchy.  My torso is covered in hives.  I scratch until my skin is red hot and inflamed. 

Dry brushing gently and bathing in epsom salts. 

There are two points of elimination right now - the skin and colon.

There are a million things to do but I am so tired.

I meet a twin self in meditation.  I feel her left breast.  There is nothing there.  

My dreams reflect my waking reality to absolute perfection. 

The content might be different but the vibration is the exact same.  

This process has caused me to think about what I want my life to be like when I am fully healed. 

I imagine living my life purposefully with a body and mind full to the brim with vital energy.  I imagine my health (mind and body) improves with each breath I take.  I imagine I am fearless and ready to face anything.  I imagine joy and success and perfect health.  

When this is over.  I will be ready to create the life of my dreams. 

The thing is I know I have to live the life of my dreams right now.  It’s the only way to reverse what is happening right now. 

The thing is I can’t get there yet.  I can’t feel all of that right now.  It is still a future feeling. 

Fuck.

One of the major patterns I have to break is the feeling that when everything is going well, something is going to come along and take it all away.

I am focussed on a worst case scenario most of the time. 

I blur my focus. 

I dream I am in a house full of children.  A young girl wants me to tuck her in.  I do, but the mother is standing right there and I am not sure if I am a babysitter or trying to take her place somehow.  I feel awkward.  This child clearly loves me but I feel badly about it.  I feel like I am in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing.  My love is somehow wrong.  Her wanting my love is wrong.  

The scene shifts.  I am running down a street.  I have a tennis outfit on and I carry a racket and sleeve of balls.  I run very fast, like I am in a hurry or simply for the sheer joy of running fast.  When I get to the courts, I can’t find the balls and then I realize I have no one to play with.  I feel ashamed and humiliated.  I look around for discarded balls but I decide not to use them because they are not mine.  I leave and begin to run again.  The pavement inclines sharply and I am moving forward in slow motion effectively getting no where.

I wake up feeling sad but then remind myself that everything is coming together for good in my life.  I hold the thought for as long as I can.  I try to remember the bad feeling but it's not there.  

I feel a squeezing sensation in my etheric body.  It feels like feeling itself is being wrenched from my outer being-ness.  

There is no effort required to make this happen.  No consciousness.  It is a purely innocent process of vibratory change.  

The pulsing sensation continues throughout the day.

I repeat:

I see the good in myself.  I have a positive view point about my self.  

I am perfectly cheerful and positive.

I am a force of unlimited power.

I dream I receive an email from my father about a job with a clothing designer.  The owner hires me but says she feels like I might threaten the customers.  She asks me to tone it down. 

It feels like when my mother used to ask me to play small so that my sister wouldn’t feel diminished by me.  I really wanted so badly to be loved and accepted by my mother and my sister.  I will do anything for that. 

I really want the job with this designer.  I'll do whatever I have to do to prove my worth.  

There is a toy section in the store.  I sit down and dress up the barbies and put on a runway show.  I figure this will be the tipping point and they will see how invaluable I am and let me keep the job.

The next day I play dress-up ith my barbies while I watch soccer.  It’s a lot of fun.

In the afternoon I take a nap and dream I am at a big conference.  I get up on stage and proudly proclaim that I am going to do what I love now and that topic is research into alien civilizations.  It feels so good to be so convicted.  It feels so true and real, like everything all of a sudden makes sense.  

I wake up thinking about my project “How To Meet Your Star Family”.  I can’t give it up.  I desperately want to finish it but how, when?  

My grandfather on my father’s side comes to me in meditation. 

He offers his energy to me, but I am not ready to receive it.  He says that's fine.  Everything is fine.  Everything happens when it’s supposed to happen. 

He is so loving.  I had no idea how much he cared for me.  When my mind returns to conscious awareness, I am so humbled and soft and gentle inside.  

When I come out, I have a distinct awareness that I am a medium.

I begin practicing (connecting) immediately.

I am supposed to be enjoying all this rest and relaxation and increased extra-sensory development and spiritual expansion. 

But I feel stripped bare, and irritated most of the time. 

Everything I am, all of who I am, the myriad of things I want to do - everything feels like it's on hold.  I am dissolving before my very eyes.  

What am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to just sit by and let this happen?  Who should I be?

The seeing and hearing and feeling stuff - I'm kinda used to that I guess because I've had it all my life.  The question is:  Can I accept it?  Can I accept who I really am?