I create another version of myself, smaller, in my mind's eye. I project this self to stand facing me outside of my body.
(I feel this as an energy that has come from my body, and that now exists in my auric field. It feels like my energy is similar to mercury and a globule has come away, but still remains close and connected. It is perfectly spherical - small and light.)
My created self then re-enters my body through my belly button and arrives at a ladder inside the cavity that is my not-body. She ascends the ladder, and moves past aspects of my beingness. The inside of me is not body parts and organs. It is collections of light energy in the form of memory, past experience, beliefs etc. Each aspects carries a will to unravel and to remember. She takes mental notes as she travels upward.
(I feel this as energy that has re-entered my body. It is not my body anymore at this point, but a feeling sense of movement. I am calling it light, but I can feel it distinctively and so want to call it something like light that carries enough weight to be felt like movement, and also friction between boundaries, or the notion that something exists in order so it can be felt.)
Once she has reached the third eye region. she lets go of the ladder and is suspended in light. She is then sucked out on my third eye and into a visualization.
I am aware of the visualization - it is something I have conjured. What I didn't have was the vibration. My created self is dissolved, but the vibration still tingles with her presence.
I ask them what she was doing. They say she was showing me how to pull frequencies up and out of my body.
Based on my psychoanalytic training, I want to know if this is the same as projection in a Freudian sense.
They say these are not problems, and that I am not looking to escape myself by externalizing onto others or my environment. On the contrary, these are my creations, manifestations made real in my environment.
This process projects a reality, almost like a mirage, almost like a ghost; it's like a film with a different story has been overlaid atop the original. This is not a trick anymore. There is no need to assuage the subconscious mind in order to confuse and destabilize. They say I am completely destabilized, and that there is no need to fight/resist my subconscious anymore. They say I am not in need. I am simply creating my reality. These projections are merely the energy of my creations as they come from within/without and are inserted into the perception of my reality.
They say I need to practice.
Words sound like words, and they carry meaning that is felt cognitively, but I really need to take the words to the level of energy to see what they are trying to show me.
I see it like this - there are swirls of gold that travel all around me. As a human self stuck in belief of the illusion, I stand in the middle of these golden rivers. They are discernible because they are gold, but with multiple colours attached like gold-red, gold-blue. gold-green etc., and they allow me to see that they move like streams. The flow is constant. It never stops. It is like colour is embedded or attached - a watercolour on top of the gold - ceaselessly rushing by me.
I stand in the middle of these streams as the coloured gold wraps around me. I don't feel like it is mine. I have so many excuses for why. The streams continue to wrap around me, pass me by, and reflect the persistance of choice in each moment.
What am I choosing?
Then, I have an awareness of the streams of abundance within my energy field. The feeling ignites me, and I naturally release a golden stream of light from my sternum. My yellow chakra, my solar plexus, shoots out gold to join the golden streams that surround me.
I am connected to it. I am it.
It is both a willingness and a surrender.
It feels exhilarating, as if my human self is actually being pulled along gladly by the chest of my body. I realize there is no turning back. I am embedded in this stream now. I have redefined the quotient for how much I am allowing myself to receive. I am receiving endlessly.
I seem to have no fear around money or lack. When I notice myself wondering about rent or bills or unexpected expenses, I feel myself being pulled by the stream, which is now running thorough me. My stomach relaxes. I smile.
I get back to creation.
I ask them why I am feeling so off-centre lately.
They say my centre has moved.
I am receiving source energy from a new position, which is better suited for me at this time. They tell me to get to know this power available to me now. They tell me to allow myself to occupy a new position of spiritual strength.
They say the old centre hasn't gone away. I can shift between them, depending on the moment.
The same vibrations every time. A lot of hubbub, and then it calms down. It’s never what I think it’s going to be!
It hurts! It’s too long! It’s boring! It’s too dark! Always something! Never what I want!
And then suddenly, overflowing with a curious enthusiasm.
This was exactly what I needed! How come I didn't see it! Why so resistant! I couldn't be more grateful! I’m wild with this feeling of freedom!
Try to figure this out! Go ahead and get all hot and bothered! It’s all a matter of fancy!
Try make sense of ascension! Go on! Make a real mental study of it!
I expect it to take the illusion of time or so to adjust. Let all of me have it’s say - realign, adjust, rebalance, move into harmony, open to more love...
It’s just the sounds of impatience. Overflowing with silence. Body noises. Inside and around the unseen. Butting up against the infinite.
I was all alone. Clarification. I am all alone. Standing. Looking into the distance. The dock bobs slightly, softly. Up and down.
The boat left without me. I watch the wake getting smaller and smaller. You don’t even turn around. You don’t even notice.
Clarification. I was on the boat, and then got off at the last minute. People were still boarding. There was a long line-up. Shuffling onward, getting sea legs, bobbing up and down.
I got off because I wanted to get on again. Excited, pressing onward, shuffling my new sea legs.
Why did I have to leave? Clarification. What good is it to experience something over again?
I was at the top of the switchback plank when I saw the rope peel back into a neat coil. Clarification. The rope tying me to you was gone. The boat was bobbing, shuffling onward.
It’s my fault. Clarification. I tried to run after you. Clarification. I ran back and forth on the switchback plank, swinging and swaying, clinking and clanking. Aren’t you going to notice I’m not there? Don't you need me? Don’t you care? Can’t you hear me calling your name?
Clarification. I can’t find the memory of my voice.
Wait. Don’t leave me. I’m coming after you. I’ll find a way to jump the ocean. I’ll meet you in the sea.
Clarification. Maybe I didn’t say anything at all. Out of shame. You left in my silence.
The wake shuffles onward. Clarification. My happiness disappears, my adventure leaves without me, my experience needs you.
I immediately think of smoking, alone, back at my place. My hovel is my palace. Cigarettes and stuff. Memories and stuff. It feels comforting, but kinda jangled and self-righteous. Perhaps this is abusive. I shuffle off.
I’ll pack all my cigarettes and stuff and run away. Clarification. I don’t feel so good.
I want another alternative. Clarification. I lay down on the steel, bobbing, rough and noisy, and curl into another reality. Clarification. I fall asleep.
Waiting for you to come back to me, I’ll just rest my head on my hands, like a wish. I’ll dream within this dream. I’ll bring this dream into another dream. Clarification.
These voices and visions.
I use everything I have at my disposal to spread love and expand consciousness.
Evolution leaves no one behind.
The first thing he taught me was to stop my current level of thinking.
It’s not so simple to stop.
It’s the finality of proper punctuation.
It’s an openness to clear limitation.
Particularly around male authority figures who told me I couldn’t do something,
which I then internalized as, I am not worthy.
Then he brought me a few messages - a publishing contract, a first edition of my favourite book, a phone message about my work, “…the best don’t settle…”
This has nothing to do with competition or being better. It has everything to do with honouring brilliance (that each one of us has, is.)
To let loose creatively.
Perhaps 'no blocks' is unrealistic.
Response to blocks?
This is my survival.
Next, he whispers in my ear, “I have to do this. I have to tell you my version of this story. I must. I choose to, with everything I am. Infinity is set up for me to do it.”
Make way for more light.
The way I always change.
Allowing imagination to Create! Create! Create!
Nothing is linear. All of creation is a circle.
One thing to the next, and surprise!
Another circle where the flow is happening,
infinity is rounded.
Finally, a music lesson, or maybe we were dancing.
A song that moved notes to amplify. Transpose.
Endless. Enthusiasm. Go, get, a-version-of-God
My Inner child. Already there.
His inner child. Circling back to meet me.